Relationship Rescue the Low Tech Way
August 1, 2008 | 5 Comments
A while ago we moved Mum into a nursing home. That meant cleaning out her house. Predictably for an old lady, there was lots of crap, and some stuff that we knew was precious. But, one woman’s precious CAN be another woman’s crap, so it’s a stressful process.
I found one particularly precious find, almost by accident. Tucked into an old, small, wooden cigar box, that must have belonged to my Dad many years ago, I found three letters in my father’s bold, beautifully-crafted, and unmistakeable handwriting.
Photo: Letter by Plusverde
Yeah! You guessed it. I opened them.
Are you shocked at me invading my parent’s privacy like that?
It was such a grief-wrenching moment to see Dad’s handwriting again after so many years, I was probably incapable of making an effective decision and just reacted instead. I HAD to touch those letters, those connections with the Dad I’d lost, and the Mum I was losing. (Dad has been dead for over 30 years now, and dementia is decimating Mum’s memory. )
I ran my fingertip over the writing on the envelope. I’d never had the chance to have an adult relationship with my Dad, he died before we had a chance to get past my adolescence and his age.
Maybe I’m kidding myself and manufacturing excuses. Maybe it WAS just plain curiosity. It’s too complex to know. Perhaps my decision was a disgrace, and maybe it was wrong, but I certainly don’t regret it!
In that old cigar box, were three beautifully-scribed love letters, written by my Dad to my Mum in the mid-1940s around the time of their engagement.
I suddenly saw two people I knew so well in a totally different light – madly in love. I’d never seen signs of romance, open affection, or anything else much between them.
In these letters, he talked of how much he missed being with her, how it felt to leave her, and how wonderful it felt to see her again.
They were simple messages, in simple words, but with powerful emotion.
The joy and excitement of his love was there in the respectful words, the gentle, tender wooing, and the encouragement he gave her. Without even a hint of eroticism, his ardour and desire for her jumped off the page.
It left me thinking about my own relationship, and grateful that some day our children will find our love letters too.
What do you think your children will discover after they’ve buried you?
The quick emails, and text messages that we tend to exchange now, won’t even exist. They’ll be gone into the technical ether.
Let’s get down to tin tacks here. Have you ever written a love letter?
Have you ever received one? Do you remember what it felt like to receive it? For me, the rawness and vulnerability of the message of love will bring tears of gratitude and intense emotion.
Have you kept these precious love letters?
There’s a strong argument for not losing this old and cherished skill. That is apart from the sheer joy of receiving love letters, of course.
How much poorer would the world be if Byron hadn’t written of his love? If Charlotte Bronte or Napoleon had used texts? If Elizabeth Barrett Browning or CS Lewis had whipped off a quick email?
So, what do you want your partner to know about your feelings?
How often do you convey that?
So what’s stopping you from saying those things in a love letter?
Are you scared of writing a love letter? Do you think letters are only for when someone is far away? Do you believe you’re not capable of flowery/romantic language, or even of writing a letter any more? Do you think your Significant Other will think you’re an idiot?
Go on, the challenge is out! I dare you to try it. Who needs wireless broadband when you’ve got a pen?
If I’m talking to the converted, why not add some extra impetus to my argument by sharing your story in the comments below.
If you need some help to get started, here’s some Tips for Writing Love Letters
- How It Looks is Important
Go to Officeworks, a card shop, or big newsagent and buy some nice paper and a matching envelope. If you don’t have a fountain pen, buy a suitable toning Gel Pen.
- Get Yourself in the Mood
Write when you can’t be interrupted, put on some music that has positive connections to your relationship, maybe even grab a photo of the two of you that has special memories, and perhaps a glass of wine.
- Write a draft
Write first on scrap paper so you can scribble out, move stuff, and generally play with the words.
- Use language that fits for the two of you
If flowery (or sloppy) words work for you, then fine, use them. Simple words (Grade 4 words I call them) do the trick just fine, as long as they are real and authentic. Steer clear of expletives of course!
- One extra flourish
Try attaching a flower from the garden to the front, putting a sticky heart label on the seal, putting a lipstick kiss on the envelope, lightly spraying it with your perfume/after shave, or even putting a luxury teabag in the envelope.
- Finish with a heartfelt closing
This is no time to say “Yours Sincerely”. You might BE sincere, but this is a love letter!
Say something that says how much you love him/her. Try using a line of “your song”, any ballad, or even a favourite poem if you can’t think of anything. I use I love you more today than yesterday… (the rest of the song’s line is … and less than tomorrow, dear.)
I love you with all my heart sums it up pretty well too!
- Use memories to get you going
Take yourself back to the first time you realised that you loved this person. On your draft paper write a list of 10 reasons why I fell in love with you/10 things I love about you now.
Recall when you first met or kissed and the feelings and thoughts that spring to mind. Look at some photos of special occasions you’ve shared together. Describe the feelings and thoughts you have (or had then) in as much detail as possible. Perhaps even draw parallels with something that’s happened to your partner or some feelings they’ve talked about. Get thinking and remembering.
Good luck and Get Writing!
If you need some extra help, then here are some easily accessed online resources. Feel free to share any other helpful resources in the comments below.
How to Write the Perfect Love Letter
Here’s a special gift just for you from our wonderful Relationship Queen
Writing Love Letters Tip Sheet
Some Simple Relationship Guides
July 1, 2008 | 2 Comments
Simplicity comes in all shapes and sizes.
In the Relationship Space I often have long stories and passionate pleas to you, dear reader, to search for and savour the real and simple joys to be found in relationships.
For simplicity’s sake I decided that you might like a change from my voice this month, and instead share with you some other voices.
If you look in any bookshop, the Self-Help section gets bigger by the year. Along with the latest fad diets on those bookshop shelves are endless books on relationships, dating, divorce etc.
As I spin my chair around to my own bookshelf, I can see at least 30 text and self-help books focusing on relationships and communications.
Have I read them all? No. Like you, I don’t have that much time. Some I’ve consumed with total pleasure, others are so dry that I use them more for diving into when I need extra information.
So I figured that’s probably what happens to you when you front up to the bookshop. Often what prompts buyers to approach those shelves at the shop is the most recent fight, the most recent hurt or disappointment, or perhaps a sense of disillusionment seeping into your heart.
No relationship disillusionment can be laid entirely at the feet of one person. And as you have no control over what anyone else does, the first changes can only come from you. It helps to think about how you see the situation, how it feels to look at it, and what actions you take in response.
And rather than be a victim, you want to take action.
So this month’s new voices are the voices I find easiest to read, and those I’m quickest to recommend to clients. I’ve chosen these books based on:
· the simple good sense they share with the reader
· PLUS the guides to actions you can take - right now
The Almost Perfect Marriage: One Minute Relationship Skills
This is from one of my favourite Australian authors, Stephanie Dowrick. While all her books have tons of useful stuff, this slim little volume with big text, few words, and great hints is the simplest way to start thinking differently about your self and your relationship.
It’ll take 10-15 secs to read a page at the start of a day and decide to take action.
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
In this book, Gary Chapman helps us identify what is the most crystal clear, laser-directed, message of love to someone.
We all find it hard to understand when someone speaks to us in a foreign language. Chapman argues that if we express our love to someone in a way that is not their natural love language, we run a very high risk of them eventually concluding they are unloved, and vice versa.
Chapman’s style is easy-reading, filled with lots of stories as examples, and it guides you through identifying your own language and that of your partner.
I guarantee THIS simple technique will make a difference to your life.
Relationship Rescue: Don’t Make Excuses! Start Repairing Your Relationship Today
Those of you familiar with American TV and Australian daytime television will know of Dr Phil McGraw. First seen as a regular advisor on Oprah, Dr Phil now has a daily show of his own and plenty of polarised critics and fans.
I’ve included Relationship Rescue because he guides you through a whole lot of reviewing of you and your relationship, with simple quizzes, a bit of myth-busting, and some good assignments. This book was written early in the Texan’s fame-filled career before he got too “out there”. But if you don’t like the Texan-twanged Phil, then don’t go there!
These three books seem to be in most libraries and bookshops. The fact that they’re readily available says that they’ve stood the test of time.
Good hunting and why don’t you let us all know if you disagree with my selections? Or even better, if you’ve found good, simple, relationship enhancing books, then please share your opinions with us in the comments section below this article.
Credit for Holding Hands Photo: Gem Fountain on FlickrAre You Shackled in Your Relationship?
June 2, 2008 | 1 Comment
In men’s minds, Buck’s Nights are the last night of freedom for a bloke, before he is shackled to the missus. Equally, feminist theory would suggest that marriage enslaves women to a patriarchal servitude.
So are shackles and enslavement really part of a relationship? Or is this language that we use to hide our real commitment to a lifestyle that is commonly one of alliances and partnerships?
Is any of that REALLY how you see your partnership with the love of your life? Is that how it is in the real world?
How do you remain an individual and become a partner? How do you keep those two different elements in balance in your daily existence, and to your satisfaction?
You’ve only read a few words, and already you’ve been bombarded with six questions. Strap on your seatbelts, readers. If questions can be like the IEDs set by Iraqi insurgents, then reading this article is going to feel a little like the challenge of driving a convoy along an Iraqi highway!
What does Freedom mean in a relationship?
How do you KNOW you have freedom in your current relationship? Do you HAVE any freedom?
Are you satisfied with the level of freedom you currently have in this relationship?
How do you offer freedom to your partner?
What are the necessary elements to nurture and create freedom in a relationship?
If it weren’t for preparing this article I would never have even thought about freedom in my relationship. I don’t experience my partnership with SweetP as limiting me in any way. In fact, quite conversely, I look back on my 34 years with SweetP and am confident my life would have been more limited without him and our relationship.
At Casa Pink Apple, I know have the freedom of my own opinions and the freedom to share and debate them with SweetP. I respect his right to his opinions as he does mine, even when we vehemently disagree!
I am convinced that we can’t solve a problem together unless I have heard (and listened to) his thoughts and feelings about it, and vice versa. It’s part of the information seeking process that starts a problem-solving exercise – even if it’s about what we’ll cook for dinner.
How do I know I have freedom? I think it’s because I feel safe. I am totally confident that no matter how arrogant, frustrating, or dogmatic I may be, or how strong, confident, and insightful I may be, I am loved with all my faults.
It took 20 years to believe that the unconditional love I could see (and kept endlessly testing) was not a mirage. My life’s experiences told me not to trust anybody. So learning something different, and believing it was OK to trust that wonderful safe feeling were hard-fought successes for me and for an extraordinarily patient man!
How does Freedom work in a relationship?
Does keeping your own family name, or adopting a joint name give you that freedom?
Is freedom about financial freedom? Does freedom mean protecting the assets you bring to the partnership, as well as the assets you create jointly in the partnership? Is it about having individual bank accounts?
Does it mean you can decide to remain child-free?
Is it about who does what chores on the weekend?
Does freedom mean sexual freedom and an “open relationship” where other sexual partners are accepted by both of you? Or does it just mean you can play out some of your sexual fantasies together in the privacy of your own space?
For us freedom simply means knowing, acknowledging, understanding and owning our strengths and weaknesses and allowing each of us to “play to our strengths” and balance out our limitations between us.
On a functional level, that means things like SweetP paying the bills and managing our finances, because he’s a mathematician and I’m FAR from interested in any numbers except how much we can afford for me to spend!
However, that also means my organisational soul got to devise the reminder system so that bills got paid on time, which is something the not-so-practical scientist isn’t as good at focusing on.
Go On! Let’s Hear About Freedom From You
Come on, let’s get some opinions and comments from you.
What are the necessary elements to nurture and create freedom in a relationship?
How do you make that work in your life?
Balance: Is it Possible in a Relationship?
May 1, 2008 | 3 Comments
Let’s go on a quick imaginary journey.
You and your partner are sitting in the middle of a small dinghy together. Gently rocking with the movement of the water beneath you. (Yes I know some of you would “never be seen dead” climbing aboard a dinghy, but you’ve seen enough movies to be able to picture it in your mind’s eye, so bear with me here.)
Now imagine your partner moves to the stern of the boat (I think that’s the back!) and starts to play “silly buggers”, and dance around. The boat rocks and tilts as the balance shifts. To avoid the boat capsizing, you move to a spot further forward (is that aft?) so that your weights are more evenly spread across that small sheet of aluminium, or inflated rubber, or those few planks of wood.
Let’s stop there before we have to deal with how much more adapting would be needed if the weather changed and the water got choppy.
And the point is?
We do this adapting as a natural instinct, probably for self-preservation. Fortunately, our brain works it out for us, and we adjust. Often the adjustment requires little conscious consideration of the problem. We’re just reacting and adapting to the circumstances.
And so we do in our relationships, adjusting and adapting to the circumstances. Shifting our position to counterbalance the other, and making bigger adaptations when the crises come and the water gets choppy.
In the Noughties, the word ‘balance’ often conjures up that overused and guilt-inducing term “work-life balance”. It’s certainly an area for any person to consider carefully and at least reflect on their satisfaction with their own balance.
How does balance fit into our relationships?
What happens when one partner makes decisions about their personal work and life balance? How does that impact on the couple? What happens to the other partner? What happens to their choices, their own desires for a personal work and life balance?
Because we’re in a partnership, there are two “forces” at play, to put it into Isaac Newton’s terms. One partner’s choices/actions in this partnership cause an equal and opposite reaction from the other partner.
That’s what floating in the boat is. That’s what being in a relationship is.
While we remain individuals, and retain our rights as individuals, when we are part of a life partnership our choices will inevitably impact on the other. Our lives are a merger, an overlap. The natural forces are still at work.
If one chooses to smoke, then it may mean that the other will end up caring for the smoker through their terminal illness.
If one chooses to drink excessively, the other may bear the embarrassments and perhaps the abuse that can flow from such choices.
If one chooses to work long hours, then the other is forced to adapt their life to rebalance the scales and the relationship. If working hours are lopsided on one side, parental responsibilities may be equally lopsided on the other to try and accommodate the choice.
It’s not really news.
Way back in the 16th century, John Donne told us that “no man is an island, entire of itself”. So clearly this isn’t new information. Our choices impact on many people in our world, but most especially our partner.
For some people, those ‘facts’ of life and the natural world are unacceptable. They act like someone’s duped them. They’ll claim they “didn’t know” that’s what they were buying into when they became a life partner. They’ll argue strongly for their need for independence, and fight aggressively to defend their territory.
And their partner will be faced with the inevitable equal and opposite reaction, because these are immutable laws.
No-one has been cheated of their rights. But someone may not have wanted to recognise the responsibilities that are part of sharing your kitchen, your CD Collection, and your life.
A Little Closer to Home
In Pink Apple’s world, when I chose to leave permanent employment to create a small business, the impact on SweetP was a raised “pressure”. It became more important that he remain in his role and bear extra responsibility for the financial security of our lives in the face of the possible insecurity of a small business.
Did we talk that through appropriately? Well… The decision certainly had his blessing and encouragement. But, with hindsight I don’t believe we considered all of it too well at all. These days, when SweetP comes home from a difficult day at a sometimes toxic workplace, I wish we’d gone about things differently.
So What About You?
What things have you done to initiate imbalance or redress balance in your partnerships? Have they required sacrifices? Were they conscious decisions, or automatic reactions to the situation at hand? Could you see the potential for imbalance, and negotiate how you’d both manage it? How have these choices and actions impacted on your relationship?
Mmm! It does bear thinking about, doesn’t it?
So let’s hear YOUR thoughts?
Help! My Passion Tank’s Run Out of Juice
April 1, 2008 | 7 Comments
That got your attention didn’t it?
I thought it might catch your eye, especially under the Relationship Space heading.
So you’re wondering what I mean by a passion tank?
Is your mind wondering if we’re talking about some faintly kinky bedroom practices? Are we thinking about the batteries in the hand-held electric equipment running out?
Absolutely not!
A passion tank is all about the simple things in life.
You know the tank’s getting low when you’re running out of enthusiasm, out of energy, out of joy for things you normally love and which excite your life ie your passions.
How often do you run out of energy and motivation for:
- Dealing with the kids?
- Bracing your self for one more rejection from a customer?
- Opening the cupboard to find something that is bound to be somewhere OTHER than where it’s meant to be?
- Reading that self-help book that you know will be good for you?
- Scrubbing that sink till it sparkles?
- Seeing the in-laws?
- Clearing the clutter on the desk so you can pay those bills or send that letter?
- Inviting friends over for a meal and all the mess and dishes that go with it?
- Making love to the man of your dreams when sleeping seems much more attractive than his cute bum right now?
I needed only take one look at The Calm Space theme of Passion for the month to know that I simply could NOT write about passion with any authenticity right now. Why?
I’m out of Juice!
Because, you see, I’ve run out of juice.
For those of you who are regular readers of mine on Take A Bite or Apple Tart, you’ll have noticed I’ve been oddly quiet! For me, that’s VERY odd.
I can’t seem to summon the energy for anything much, especially if it requires me to be the initiator. So my drawers are cluttered and overflowing, my pantry is a pigsty, my blog is neglected, and my business is suffering from marketing-deprivation.
And as for poor SweetP, he wonders if he’ll ever see his old sparkly Pink Apple back! And he’s also wondering how come every time he breathes he seems to be in trouble!
So, if you’re familiar with this state of affairs and are currently a juiceless fellow traveller, then let’s explore this together.
Of course you may not be in this place at all. Your Passion Tank might be just fine –RIGHT NOW. But I guarantee you, this advice will be worth remembering, because we all have slumps like this at some time. It’s just a matter of individual degree.
Some Tips for Juiceless Passion Tanks
Return the focus to you
Back in the February Relationship Space, we started exploring the relationship with “your self” and how we nurture self?
… How often do you trust your intuition to lead you to a decision that’s “right for NOW”?
… How are you treating you? Kindly or Harshly? Judgmentally or Compassionately?
… What ONE SIMPLE thing could you do right NOW, as you sit reading this, to improve that most important of your life’s relationships – the one with yourself?
Energy Drainers
Another thing we can do to rejuvenate our juices is to identify our drainers!
The things that drain our energy are the things that we’re tolerating, knowing in some unconscious part of our self that continuing with “putting up with it” is conflicting with our values.
So look around your house, relationships, workplace, and life choices and make a list of things you’re putting up with.
Sharing some examples in the Comments below would certainly help others identify their Drainers, so go ahead and drop us a line or two.
Tell Someone Who Cares
No I don’t mean “here’s 40 cents - call someone who cares” – definitely not! (Don’t you just want to smack people when they say that line?)
I mean tell someone about your slump in passion juice.
Sharing it with someone who’s supportive and would be prepared to share the load a little will certainly make a difference. It will help you realise you’re not weird, just going through one of life’s normal highs and lows. It also might get you someone who’s prepared to give you a mental or physical “leg-up” and you’ll find yourself back on that horse very soon!
(In fact, my wise niece has just given me a pep talk on this very subject.)
So has the “physician” been heeding her own advice? You bet she has! And I’ve already taken my first steps, and have a few more planned.
What about you? What tip might help re-juice your passion tank?
What quiet first step are you going to take to top up the passion in your tank?
Sharing our Dreams - Nothing to be Scared of and Everything to Embrace
March 3, 2008 | 2 Comments
How would our worlds survive without our Dreams?
When we fail to dream we cut ourselves off from creative thinking and limit our ability to search for possibilities and opportunities. Whether we dream in our sleep or daydream, our unconscious is channelling us to follow our spirit and our passion to grow as wonderful human beings and share our knowledge with the world around us.
What hopes and expectations do you have fermenting in your dreams?
What faint possibilities could become real with the right kind of nurture?
Who do you share those precious fragile dreams with?
No matter whether our relationships are with a partner, a sibling, a child, or a friend, we also have hopes and dreams and expectations and a sense of possibility about each one of those connections.
Hopes and dreams are delicate and need to grow hardier and more real with careful attention, and not a whipping session from your Inner Critic or anyone else! So, in the early stages of development, they need to be shared carefully.
But they also need to be said out loud or written down. For them to come to life they need to be aired and fed. Taking them out of the ethereal world of our dreams into the reality of spoken or written words nurtures them with the Food of Life.
So when did you last nurture your dreams with the food of life? And how were they treated?
If you’ve shared dreams with another person, did they respect them, and appreciate how much more they got to know you because of what you’d shared?
When was the last time you asked the other person in the relationship what were their individual dreams or their dreams for the two of you?
How did you treat that person’s precious dreams? Did you recognise how fragile this shared gift was? Did you nurture its fragility? Could you see how honored you were to be given a peek into their spirit and passion?
Did the sharing open up channels of intimacy between you? The strengthening of the bonds of safety and the deepening of love that can flow from these moments is like a drug that once experienced keeps calling you to return! In our partner relationships, these sharings can open up a tenderness and connection not unlike the most exquisite lovemaking.
If you haven’t ever ‘gone there’, then maybe you need to wonder why.
- Is it because it’s never occurred to you to share others and your own dreams?
- Or is it your sense of self is so low that you believe that your thoughts and dreams will have no value, and don’t deserve the sunlight and nurture?
- Or do high levels of unpredictability mean low levels of safety in this relationship?
- Or is it something else?
If there is a reason, what are you going to do about it? Because of course you’ll always remain ‘stuck there’ until YOU decide to make a change.
To help you get unstuck, consider the people who are important in your life, and choose one person to share one simple little dream. You see, it’s good to make a start (take a baby step), and practise with something small with someone safe. Their responses can start to instil some confidence in you and some Life into your dreams!
Let’s hear about your experiences. What have you learned about letting your dreams out to play?
Heartstrings – A Bridge to YOU
February 1, 2008 | 6 Comments
Heartstrings! It’s such an emotive theme isn’t it? It’s a word that instantly takes us to our softer side.
Nostalgia. Love. Pain. Romance. Hurt. Family. Children. Lover. Grandchildren. Empathy. Gratitude. Envy. Support. Rejection. The many things that tear/pull/play at our heartstrings.
On a bigger scale, heartstrings can summon passion, and life force. They can be a path into knowledge of what drives us to make choices and decisions. But what’s more they’ll allow us a chance to also review those choices and decisions.
So what are the emotions that that most vibrate your heartstrings?
Are they predominantly positive and reassuring feelings, or negative and shameful ones?
How often do you check in on them? How well do you embrace them as the real you? Do you see them as the light and shadowy sides of your nature – all with things to teach you? Or do you prefer to only peek at the positive while casting angry glares at those “unacceptable” negative ones?
What are the times, thoughts, and actions that most invigorate your passion and life force?
Or to put it more simply - When are you at your happiest?
How often do you get lost in your sense of duty to loved ones, friends, extended family, work colleagues?
More importantly how often do you follow your heart and your passion, trusting your intuition to lead you to a decision that’s “right for NOW”?
Perhaps connecting regularly to Annie Hutton’s Spiritual Space articles might help you tap into your life force, your soul space, to help you “know” more about your soul, passion, and life force.
Which part of your Self will most disturb those heartstrings of yours?
After all, this is the relationship that will form the footings for the house of Love and Relationships you build over the span of your life. So it’s an obvious place to start.
In what kind of state is your relationship with YOU? Could you give yourself a score out of 10?
If your score is low, what efforts are you putting in to nurturing your relationship with YOU? How are you treating you? Kindly or Harshly? Judgmentally or Compassionately?
How are you rebuilding the bridge of Connection between your Self and You, between your moment-to-moment You and your tender raw and frightened Self? How is that Little Girl inside you? Is she safe and well-protected?
What ONE SIMPLE thing could you do right NOW, as you sit reading this, to improve that most important of your life’s relationships – the one with yourself?
Who are the people in your life whose influence and love can play the strongest music on your heartstrings?
Life is so much easier if we surround ourselves with people who bring out the best in us.
Who do you choose to hang out with and build connections with? Are they people who love you for just being you, or for what you do? When you make a list of the important relationships in your life, and consider each individual on that list, what sounds come from your heartstrings? Are they harsh and grating sounds? Or are they soothing, serene sounds?
What sounds do you want to hear from your heartstrings?
What choices do you need to make to get more of those sounds?
Have a good month and instead of listening to the radio in your car tomorrow, turn off the switch and tune into your heart instead!
Can you hear opportunity knocking?
January 1, 2008 | 6 Comments
After the flurry of Christmas and the endless conversations about whether you’ve “finished your shopping”, it’s a great relief to have a new conversation topic – New Year Resolutions.
The concept of setting goals/resolutions/intentions often appeals to something in our human core. It engages that inner voice which murmurs to us, disturbing us. We become connected to our thinly-papered disenchantments, disillusionments, and dissatisfactions. After hearing that ghostly inner voice, a New Year Resolution can seem like “just the go” to calm our doubts, fears, or guilt.
Some people love to talk about Resolutions, sometimes bragging about the array of good behaviour we’ll notice from them in the New Year.
Others quietly sneak away to the bar for another drink when the conversation turns to matters “Resolution”. The mere thought of New Year Resolutions gives them a feeling of horror.
There are those who don’t believe in them and will tell you so bluntly. (I personally admire that – at least they’re honest!)
Some do the talk on December 31, but don’t walk their talk from January 1 (or maybe January 11) onwards.
But the reality is that no-one will see significant differences in their lives until the pain of their current choices outweighs the risks and fears associated with changing.
That’s what makes a Resolution into a Reality. The timing is of no consequence!
All that the New Year invites us to do is look at the opportunities to reflect, review, evaluate, and generally connect with our sense of personal satisfaction.
Most life coaches will tell you that the people they see early in the year are those who are taking very positive and active steps to make a change – sometimes as a result of their New Year Resolutions.
Sadly, that doesn’t seem to be what couples do. Why doesn’t it occur to couples to reflect, review, evaluate, and gauge satisfaction?
Shining a light onto our couple life on an annual basis is something I do with my beloved SweetP.
We see it as a chance to understand our individual hopes and dreams, as well as our disappointments. For our relationship to run smoothly we need regular doses of insight. During the year they’ll be shared over a meal or a glass of wine, during a walk or as we sit in the sun.
But at this time of year we devote several hours, a couple of whiteboards, and several pages of butcher’s paper to digging deep. It’s an opportunity.
It’s an opportunity to celebrate what we’ve done, what battles we’ve shared and what battles have divided us. We both find personal victories and achievements that we need to get the other to view through our eyes.
We also find hurt spots in our selves and in the other that we didn’t realise were there. Bumping into that pain and hurt can be stressful and, in the moment, can seem FAR from an opportunity.
In fact, the squirmy feeling we get with those discoveries means it’s tempting to say “Ohhh, I’m sick of this, let’s watch TV.”
But what works better is putting down the whiteboard pens and hugging each other, and even more – asking questions and digging deeper. Yeah it’s scary! And it might mean a niggling of shame or guilt at our own failings. But if both of us understand and accept that loving someone comes with those hurts as the flipside of the blissful romantic coin, then you can listen, squirm, blush and be forgiven. It’s an opportunity for intimacy and connection like no other we know!
So have you ever sat down together and reviewed your relationship?
Have you ever sat down alone and reviewed your relationship?
What score out of 10 would you give to your overall satisfaction with your relationship?
When could you make time to sit and talk about how you’d like to see your relationship develop? (You do that for your career, why wouldn’t you do it for your relationship?)
And if you have a partner who you think would snort in ridicule at the suggestion then that may give you your first insights for your own review of the relationship.
Of course, the snort may actually never come, and if you asked you might get a big surprise. But even if you do get the snort then that’s a sign to start your own review.
But how?
That’s easy. We start it with a pleasant interlude like going out together for breakfast or a coffee, or even just going for a walk somewhere we both appreciate – beside the creek, across the paddock, along the beach.
We start talking about the positives and move on to the disappointments.
We allow ourselves to be infected by the others zest for a project or enthusiasm for an achievement. We let those s-o-o-a-k in deep into our souls.
We also have a deadline for finishing. If it’s getting close to finish time we know it’s time to spell out our intentions. We never finish without making the plans for the first step to achieving the first intention.
Finally there is ALWAYS a pleasant reward for our hard work! Do I need to give you examples? There’s always a dinner date, or a foot massage or a bath or shower together or …
Who Needs Christmas…
December 2, 2007 | 4 Comments
It’s December, so if we’re going to have a celebration theme, you’d expect to hear talk of Christmas, Hanukkah or some similar celebration.
Always eager to go a bit out of line, I wanted to remind you that celebrations come in all forms, even in December! Some people have birthdays, some attend funerals to celebrate lives loved and lost.
In our family, we’ve just gathered for our first wedding.
The youngest of My Three Sons was married last week so Christmas has paled into insignificance as this eventful celebration worked up its own head of steam!
When Karen and I wrote our first Save Our Sanity book about Christmas, we always intended there’d be more. I’m thinking the next one may well be about weddings! Because while they’re exciting and romantic, weddings are also a financial, organisational and emotional rollercoaster!
It is 33 years since my own wedding. Styles, rituals, ceremonies, and perspectives have changed a lot since then. With few weddings among extended family and friends, I’d really had no exposure to the obscenity that is the cost of weddings in the 21st century. Fortunately these two didn’t feel the need for a gargantuan extravaganza and chose to focus on things that were important to them.
There was much excitement on the night they told us of their engagement. He’d just taken her to the top of the Dandenongs and asked her to marry him. (‘Atta boy – top marks for romancing!)
But I remember saying that night - it doesn’t matter what form of “party” you have to celebrate the wedding, the only important thing on that day is your vows! Standing up and proclaiming to the world how much you love each other and that you are committing to each other for the rest of your lives, that’s what’s important. Not what dress you wear, or where the party’s held!
Many girls spend years dreaming of how their princess wedding will be. This bride found it hard to make decisions about what to wear, because she’d spent more time imagining herself show-jumping her horse than picturing her wedding bouquet.
They were an interesting mix, she so relaxed, she could have been horizontal, he in serious organisational over-drive! The Wedding Co-ordinator was astounded as he was handed lists, timelines, hand-prepared booklets, place-cards, double copies of specific music for service and reception etc etc etc. (See darling, your mother’s organisational genes DO come in handy!)
They were keen to marry in the Dandenongs where they’d shared that romantic proposal and acceptance. The hills are thick with ferns, rhododendrons, and wildlife. In spring, the outdoor setting under the rotunda was romantic, the gardens around us alive with birdsong and flowers.
The ceremony was beautiful from the bride’s arrival to the bubbles we blew over them as they swept down the aisle at the end. As they exchanged their vows the world narrowed for them to just each other. It felt a little like we were intruding on their moment, so focused were they on each other. Their vows WERE important. (So I wasn’t really nagging after all. Bad luck kid, you got a mum whose world is relationships - so you get the soapboxes that go with it.)
As a sign of their new life and to send wishes for them up to the heavens, they released butterflies. It was a cool day and the butterflies lingered in their warm hands, on our shoulders and in granny’s hair! It was a gentle, and unexpectedly moving, ritual to portray their hopes and dreams.
Oh and of course I was teary! What celebration is complete without mums dabbing away the odd tear of joy and chest-bursting pride? (Damn it, here I go again as I write!)
Look, don’t get me wrong the wedding was not without its little dramas! (We won’t talk about my outfit – because it wasn’t about me!)
And this mother, in trying to make everything as perfect as possible, got lost in stress and tears during the lead-up. But in the end, I did sink into the moment and just send out love to my son, and his bride. For my husband and I there was also a deep connection as we shared love and pride at the success of our nurturing through all these years.
It was a new phenomenon in our lives as a family, but it was moving, special, and memory-creating.
We won’t ever forget the look of absolute delight on our son’s face.
Christmas doesn’t matter a jot this year, because we’ve celebrated a Wedding.
What are Friends For?
November 1, 2007 | Leave a Comment
Was there ever a more-appropriate theme for a women’s magazine than that of “friendship”? Our delightful editor has gone right to the structure of a woman’s life!
Women, on the whole, are good at friendship!
Yeah sure! We can have many levels of friendship with the people in our lives, but overall we women “do” friendship with commitment and often a sense of style.
But, do we do it with satisfaction?
How satisfied are you with what, and how, you deliver to your friends, as well as what and how they deliver to you?
We women seem to be far more likely to whip ourselves into a lather over how we fail our friends, rather than recognising how much we give to our friends - given our circumstances.
Sometimes we can forget that we are NOT superwomen.
Do YOU expect your friends to be superwomen? Do you expect them to cram everything, including you, into their lives at the cost of their health and sanity?
No you don’t! (And if you were tempted to say Yes to that question, then perhaps you need to do a little reflecting and reorganising of your expectations.)
And what’s more if your friend was trying to do all that, and risking her health to do so, you’d probably beg her to take more care of herself. Am I right?
So why would you think she wouldn’t be caring for you in the same way?
One of the most common concerns I hear from women, be they busy mums or corporate mavens, is that they wish they could find more time for their friends.
Curiosity always gets the better of me.
Why do they wish that? Is it because they think they’re not measuring up? Or is it that they’re yearning to rebalance their lives?
There is no right or wrong answer there, of course! Just choices and opportunities.
They are sharing with me a message from deep within themselves. The message just needs a little interpretation, which only the woman herself can answer. So, I just ask more questions to dig into that message.
If you think you’re not measuring up, what evidence do you have for that? Is it an assumption? Have you gone seeking honest answers from your friends about what they believe you bring to the relationship with them? Maybe they don’t need or want to be super-close. Maybe they like the opportunity to chat, when/if it happens, and leave it at that!
Or is the message more a description of your own need for nurture and time and space? And if so, how committed are you to finding a way to deliver that gift (or is it a necessity?) to yourself?
The other common difficulty that I notice women have with friendships is that they don’t understand that friendships are fluid, organic creatures.
Friendships ebb and flow. They begin and they end. The time between those two states may be a few hours, days, weeks, or months. It may also be a couple of years, or a life-time. And all of those friendships are valuable, valid and a gift to both participants, even the short ones.
Friendships aren’t necessarily like a marriage (though they’re essential TO a marriage)!
In a friendship, you don’t stand up and declare your intention to keep the relationship for life. No-one expects you to! Friendships have a life and death of their own. It’s part of the nature of human interaction.
Nor do we usually negotiate between the two people, at least verbally, the boundaries and expectations of our friendships. We take them as we get them. And sometimes later we teach them how to treat us! (But that’s another story all together!)
Friendships are a sharing of time, talents, nurture, and human kindness. Isn’t that enough?
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