Your Breathing Space for November
November 1, 2007 | Leave a Comment
“Treat your friends as you do your pictures,
and place them in their best light.”
~Jennie Jerome Churchill
What are Friends For?
November 1, 2007 | Leave a Comment
Was there ever a more-appropriate theme for a women’s magazine than that of “friendship”? Our delightful editor has gone right to the structure of a woman’s life!
Women, on the whole, are good at friendship!
Yeah sure! We can have many levels of friendship with the people in our lives, but overall we women “do” friendship with commitment and often a sense of style.
But, do we do it with satisfaction?
How satisfied are you with what, and how, you deliver to your friends, as well as what and how they deliver to you?
We women seem to be far more likely to whip ourselves into a lather over how we fail our friends, rather than recognising how much we give to our friends - given our circumstances.
Sometimes we can forget that we are NOT superwomen.
Do YOU expect your friends to be superwomen? Do you expect them to cram everything, including you, into their lives at the cost of their health and sanity?
No you don’t! (And if you were tempted to say Yes to that question, then perhaps you need to do a little reflecting and reorganising of your expectations.)
And what’s more if your friend was trying to do all that, and risking her health to do so, you’d probably beg her to take more care of herself. Am I right?
So why would you think she wouldn’t be caring for you in the same way?
One of the most common concerns I hear from women, be they busy mums or corporate mavens, is that they wish they could find more time for their friends.
Curiosity always gets the better of me.
Why do they wish that? Is it because they think they’re not measuring up? Or is it that they’re yearning to rebalance their lives?
There is no right or wrong answer there, of course! Just choices and opportunities.
They are sharing with me a message from deep within themselves. The message just needs a little interpretation, which only the woman herself can answer. So, I just ask more questions to dig into that message.
If you think you’re not measuring up, what evidence do you have for that? Is it an assumption? Have you gone seeking honest answers from your friends about what they believe you bring to the relationship with them? Maybe they don’t need or want to be super-close. Maybe they like the opportunity to chat, when/if it happens, and leave it at that!
Or is the message more a description of your own need for nurture and time and space? And if so, how committed are you to finding a way to deliver that gift (or is it a necessity?) to yourself?
The other common difficulty that I notice women have with friendships is that they don’t understand that friendships are fluid, organic creatures.
Friendships ebb and flow. They begin and they end. The time between those two states may be a few hours, days, weeks, or months. It may also be a couple of years, or a life-time. And all of those friendships are valuable, valid and a gift to both participants, even the short ones.
Friendships aren’t necessarily like a marriage (though they’re essential TO a marriage)!
In a friendship, you don’t stand up and declare your intention to keep the relationship for life. No-one expects you to! Friendships have a life and death of their own. It’s part of the nature of human interaction.
Nor do we usually negotiate between the two people, at least verbally, the boundaries and expectations of our friendships. We take them as we get them. And sometimes later we teach them how to treat us! (But that’s another story all together!)
Friendships are a sharing of time, talents, nurture, and human kindness. Isn’t that enough?
We’re Talking about Friendship
November 1, 2007 | Leave a Comment
Welcome to the second edition of The Calm Space. We are all thrilled you have dropped by and would like to thank you for your warm congratulations last month as we launched the beautiful magazine! Your uplifting comments and excited wishes made it all seem so much more special and real to us.
It seems appropriate that this edition we are talking about friendship. I am proud to call each of the contributors to The Calm Space my friend, and believe that is one of the strengths of our team here.
Angela talks about making time for our friends; Marj highlights three very different books about friends and friendship; Annie discusses becoming a friend to yourself first, and the magic in a smile; Chris wonders what friends are for; and Leah keeps in touch the digital way.
This month, we have the excitement of announcing our first ever winner of the monthly prize draw - congratulations to our winner - your copy of Inspired! by Jamie Durie is on it’s way!
Please don’t forget to sign up (if you haven’t already) to be in the draw for our two fabulous prizes this month (designed specifically to bring you some stress relief as Christmas draws closer)!
Thinking about Friendship and Friends
As I was preparing to write this - and with the theme of friendship firmly front of mind - I attended my daughter’s graduation celebration as she finishes middle school and heads into senior school for her last three years.
As it is an all-girl school, the ceremony was very emotional, and very strongly based on the theme of friendship. (And very different to any ceremony I have attended for my son over the years).
Each girl was given a lovely flower, tied with ribbon as well as their certificate and new pale blue tie. And talking to the girls afterward, the flower (a brightly coloured gerbera) was a very special part of the night - along with all the flowers and hugs they gave their teachers in thanks.
The slide shows each class had put together to celebrate their last three years together showed photos of girls being friends, caring for one another, bonding and growing together.
In her closing remarks, the head girl said “Friends are the bacon bits in the salad of life“.
It brought the house down…
As parents, we know that friendships are vital to our children. We know that how they feel about school and their family and life in general is all seen through the window of their friends. Without friends, life is colourless and drab.
As we grow into adulthood, we get busier and busier. Our relationships, our family and our work commitments start to take over. Until one day we realise that we haven’t made time for our friends in a while. And that somehow, even with everything else that fills our life (all that striving, and working, and loving, and caring…) we need our friends.
Girlfriends are:
- Our benchmark that we’re not going crazy
- Our safety valve to vent without repercussions
- Our mentors to show us the way
- Our shoulder to cry on
- Our cheer squad
- Our rock of understanding
- Our inspiration by the lives they live
- Our motivation that there is a better way
- Our belief that we, too, can get through this
- Our reality check when things get out of hand
- Our light when we don’t know which way is up
- Our mirror that reflects our soul back at us, with feeling
With secure, happy friendships, we become strong and able to go out and face whatever the world throws at us - knowing that someone has our back and someone loves and believes in us.
The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it’s the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friendship.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Girlfriends help us work out who we are. And help us to stand tall and look life in the eye.
What would you think if I sang out of tune,
Would you stand up and walk out on me.
Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song,
And I’ll try not to sing out of key.
I get by with a little help from my friends,
I get high with a little help from my friends,
Going to try with a little help from my friends.
~ The Beatles
This month, as we head into the busyness that is the festive season, let’s make time for our friends and remember how very important they are to us - individually and collectively!
Kristine Carlson puts it so well in Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff for Women: “Friendships, especially with your girlfriends, are to be cherished. … cut your friends some slack, and (don’t) hold them to impossible expectations and standards, especially when they are having a bad day. Sometimes we get so close to our friends that it’s easy to forget that they are just human - like we are.”
How will you show your friends how much they mean to you? Can you cut them some slack. Appreciate them. Honour and cherish them. Offer to take their turn at the car pool. Drop a simple dinner around. Bake a cake. Remember their birthday. Ask how they are and then wait for the answer.
Friendship is a living thing that lasts only as long as it is nourished with kindness, empathy and understanding. (anon)
The Soundtrack of Your Life
November 1, 2007 | 2 Comments
If we were to make a recording of the soundtrack of our lives, what would yours sound like?
Would it have long silences? Would it be full of car horns, and screetching brakes, and engines revving? Would it be full of the laughter and happy questions of contented children? Would there be a background of calm, or a flurry of constant activity? Would there be phones ringing, doors slamming and the clacking of keyboards?
What if you could edit the soundtrack for your life - adding just the right combination of noise and silence. Music and laughter. Loud and soft. Passionate and gentle. Presto and largo.
I think, if I had to chose a soundtrack for my life, it would have the voices of my three children, always asking such amazing questions! It would have my husband’s voice, whispering things for my ears only. It would have glorious, uplifting music to inspire me. It would have the purr of a contented cat, and the lazy yawn of my dogs. It would contain the voices of my family - my parents, siblings, nieces and nephews… and, most of all, it would have the sound of my dear friends - laughing and conversing and relaxing together. The chink of glasse, the rattle of plates, the crunch of food… ahhh.
Listen to that…!
For glorious, uplifting music this month, I am paying tribute to a brilliant man. His voice makes my skin prickle and brings a tear to my eye. Rest in Peace, Luciano Pavarotti.
Spiritual Friendship
November 1, 2007 | 1 Comment
I would like to explore with you a different concept of friendship on the path to spiritual bliss. I propose that the two most important friendships are the ones you have with yourself and God.
It is not easy to be friendly towards others if you are not in a friendly space already. But how do you become friends with yourself? Acceptance is the first step – warts and all! None of us is perfect; all of us have faults but also unique gifts to offer the world.
OK, let’s assume for now that the faults have been identified and we will spend the rest of our lives trying to prove we are worthy of God’s faith in us. So then, let’s tap into our gifts. The simplest way I know is suggested by Thich Nhat Hanh in “Peace is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life”. He says “Every morning, when we wake up, we have twenty-four brand new hours to live.…. We have the capacity to live in a way that these twenty-four hours will bring peace, joy, and happiness to ourselves and others.”
I love his next (simple and practical) suggestion! Every morning when you wake up, remember to smile. Until it becomes second nature, hang something near the bed as a reminder. Even a hint of a smile, a half smile is enough to relax all the muscles of your face. It shows others and most importantly yourself, that you are your own best friend! It shows that you are basking in God’s grace. Carry it all day. Remember, feeling follows action, so don’t wait until you feel like smiling.
I have been practising this smiling thing for some time now and I have never seen anything so simple work such a treat! It doesn’t need to be a huge grin to convey that you are in a friendly and contented space, and that all are welcome to join you there! Just a half smile will elicit a smiling response from others 99% of the time. Smile at shop assistants, colleagues and family members and notice how they respond to you. Please don’t take it personally when the 1% don’t respond in kind. This is about your own friendship with yourself. Others are more than welcome to partake of that warm feeling, but if they don’t, mentally wish them well on their path today without attaching to their outcome.
Of course, the best friend any of us will ever have is our Higher Source. We have all felt alone or unhappy at times. These are the times when it is most important to remember that we are never alone. Remember to ask God for help and guidance when you can’t quite get that little smile back.
This month give the half smile a go – every day. Use some kind of reminder or trigger so as not to forget and see what magic you can wreak!
Love, peace and wisdom
The Reading Space - November
November 1, 2007 | 1 Comment
True friendship consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and value - Ben Johnson
Songs Without Words - by Ann Packer
Liz and Sarabeth have been friends forever, childhood neighbours bound together in adolescence by a devastating event, the suicide of Sarabeth’s mother when the girls were just sixteen. In the decades that followed - through Liz’s marriage and the birth of her children, through Sarabeth’s depressions and her volatile love affiars - their relationship has remained a source of continuity and strength, a fixed point amid the tumult of their adult lives.
But when an unforeseen calamity strikes at the heart of Liz’s family, all the assumptions - the deepest habits of their friendship - are revealed in a strange new light, and Liz and Sarabeth must question everything they thought they knew about each other and themselves.
Friendship with oneself is all important because without it one cannot be friends with anybody else in the world - Eleanor Roosevelt.
Don’t Drink and Dial: and other secrets of female friendship - Kimberley Palmer & Caitlin Zeigler
Our girlfriends are our partners in crime, our confidantes and our greatest defenders. THey save us from bad fashion, support us through stressful periods and are our regular drinking partners.
Yet sometimes the field of female friendship can be littered with landmines. Don’t Drink and Dial imparts genuine, truthful, and often hilarious advice about how to treasure and respect your very best allies. (Out in November ‘07)
What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies - Aristotle
Tea Bliss: Infuse your life with health, wisdom and contentment - Theresa Cheung
In this stress-filled world, tea offers a simple antidote to just about everything, as author Theresa Cheung posits in her marvellous new book Tea Bliss. Sit down. Have a cuppa. Not only is it a delightful way to spend a few moments with yourself or a friend, but drinking various kinds of tea can also help you fight cancer, lose weight, and even remain more youthful!
“Taking tea” simply demands a break from dull routines and requires you to slow down, savour and reflect on the world around you as well as the world inside you. Illustrated throughout with four-colour photographs, “Tea Bliss” is a warmhearted, comforting book that described the arts of blending and brewing tea as well as the performance of ritual tea ceremonies.
Chapters include “Tea for Two” on the positive effect tea has on friendship, and “Well Being” on how invaluable tea can be to an individual’s health, as well as a glossary of terms and a veritable encyclopedia of every type of tea. Blending inspiration and sumptuous illustrations with fascinating facts about tea, “Tea Bliss” is an ideal and relaxing gift.
People always come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is you’ll know exactly what to do…
Making Time for Friends
November 1, 2007 | Leave a Comment
While sitting with friends over a coffee, I mentioned I had this article to write, and didn’t know what to write about organising and friendship. The answers came back thick and fast, and helped me realise that what I took for granted - catching up with friends - didn’t just happen by chance.
So, with thanks to my friends who always know how to help, here are some of the things I do to make time for my Friendships.
- Firstly I make them a priority. I made a conscious decision long ago to make time in my busy week to connect. There will always be something to do - ironing, articles to write, family commitments - but connecting on a regular basis with friends is just as important to me.
- We make plans to catch up over dinner. Our dinner parties are all about sharing good company. That’s why we each bring one course, sharing the workload and cost, and spending time together instead of in the kitchen.
- We exercise together. You don’t have to choose between spending time with friends and doing other important things on your to do list. Combine them and you both benefit. Walk, swim, run or go to the gym together.
- I have a cordless phone, and we chat while I weed the garden, hang out the washing or unload the dishwasher. I don’t do anything that takes my attention away from my friend’s conversation.
- I remember birthdays. Mark special days in your diary. If you use an electronic diary it’s easy to add recurring annual reminders.
- I’m on time for my friends. I show them how much I value them by respecting their time. No-one likes to sit around alone in a restaurant, so don’t leave your friend hanging.
How do you make time for your friends?
Friendship in the Online World: How People Are Growing Their Communities
November 1, 2007 | Leave a Comment
Do you remember back when you were a teenager? If your life was anything like mine friendships were restricted to your local community. If you were lucky you might have also befriended the people where you had holidays or a pen-pal.
Little more than 10 or 15 years ago your community and your friendships were restricted by your location (unless you were a geek using bulletin boards). BUT things have changed! The rapid expansion of internet technologies and personal computer hardware has provided true global communications to anyone able to access it (not just the geeks).
Built on the back of easily accessible internet technologies many friendships were being sustained online through the growing popularity of email since the early 90s. In the past 5 years a more recent phenomenon has been the growth of web-based services that are collectively called social networking.
A social network service focuses on the building and verifying of online social networks for communities of people who share interests and activities, or who are interested in exploring the interests and activities of others, and which necessitates the use of software.
Most social network services are primarily web based and provide a collection of various ways for users to interact, such as chat, messaging, email, video, voice chat, file sharing, blogging, discussion groups, and so on.
Here is a quick overview of some of the more popular services (it would be impossible to document them all here) that you might have heard of.
LinkedIn (www.linkedin.com)
- A business-oriented social networking site primarily as an alternative to traditional business networking
- Populated by professionals, business owners and corporate employees
- As of October 2007 it had more than 15 million registered users in 150 industries
- Known to be used by recruiters in sourcing candidates for roles
- An interesting tool to be aware of who your contacts know
- Based on the principle that everyone in the world is connected by no more than six degrees of separation
Myspace (www.myspace.com)
- Launched in August 2003 (and purchased in July 2005 by Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation)
- Primarily the domain of teenagers and performing artists
- It has become an increasingly influential part of contemporary popular culture, especially in English speaking countries
- As of early September 2007 there are over 200 million accounts
- It includes tools to share writing/thoughts, music, photos and other interactive media (very attractive to performing artists looking to grow a following)
- Has the ability to restrict who is able to read your profile and comment on your site (one of the reasons that it is loved by teenagers and worries “blocked” parents)
Facebook (www.facebook.com)
- Launched on February, 2004, it is a recent entrant to this space and generally considered the mature sibiling of MySpace
- Initially the membership was restricted to students of Harvard College and then was subsequently expanded to other Boston area schools but in September 2006 it was released to the general public
- Primarily used by people across the mid 20s to late 40s age groups
- As of early October it had over 42 million active members worldwide and expects to pass 60 million users by the end of the year
- Allows users to share what they are up to with people in their group of contacts, including quick notes on “walls”, sharing photos, ideas and opinions
- Provides the ability for people to setup or join common interest groups of other members as a way of growing their community
Twitter (www.twitter.com)
- What do you call a person that uses Twitter?
- Launched in March 2006 it is a service that allows users to send “updates” (text-based posts, up to 140 characters long) to the Twitter website, via SMS, instant messaging, email, or an application such as Twitterrific
- Updates are displayed on the user’s profile page and instantly delivered to other users who have signed up to receive them
- It can be compared to applications like web chat or instant messaging (IM) but instead of it being one-to-one it is one-to-many communication
So do these tools increase your community and your ability to connect with friends?
Well just like any form of communication with friends, the more you are actively communicating the more you will get out of it. There are many, many people who now have a community of like-minded people around the world thanks to some of these (and other online tools). The contributors and readers of this online magazine are living proof that online networking works.
A few words of warning :
- Be careful with the information that you share - social networking sites have become a great source for identity theft and cyber-stalking.
- Don’t give your real birth date to a site where you don’t know how it will be stored and used (this is a very important piece of personal information)
- Don’t post pictures that contain other people unless you have their permission (wouldn’t you just love some of those embarassing shots of you loaded on the web somewhere)
- Be careful about the requests to connect/be friends that you might receive - be ruthless in saying no to people you don’t know.
- These sites are known to distort time and suck away a whole afternoon
So why not give some form of social networking a try …. if you are careful with your details all you have to loose is your time.
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Current Articles
- Stay Tuned to Your Eco Behaviour
- Listening to the melody of life
- Your Breathing Space for August
- Tune In and Turn On … Online
- Relationship Rescue the Low Tech Way
- Sound Space - Brendan Maclean
- Tuning in to our planet and ourselves
- Spiritual Tuning In
- What Is Your Stuff Telling You?
- Are You Tuned In To The Power Of Your Own Words?
- This month we’re tuning in…
Areas of Interest
- Breathing Space
- Challenge Space
- Digital Space
- Happening Space
- Money Space
- Music Space
- Organising Space
- Reading Space
- Relationship Space
- Serenity Space
- Spa Space
- Spiritual Space
- Sustainability Space
- The Space
- Writing Space