Confessions of a Home Wrecker

Written by: Chris Owen
November 3, 2008

Way back in a past life, I was a nurse working shift work.  When a husband and then children joined my world, weekend shift work was just part of our weekly life.  That’s how we made ends meet, while still giving our children a parent with them each day.  Monday to Friday was Mum, and weekends were Dad.

Have you spotted the glaring obvious there?

Yes!  There was no real time when we were family all together. No time when we all switched off and shared affection, or created family memories.

School nights were filled with homework, eating, bathing, reading stories and bed.  On weekends, me and my crisp white uniform and frilly cap were gone before breakfast and home late afternoon, or gone before lunch and home well after the children went to sleep.  Either way the impact of shift work was still the same, especially after a week of mothering and housewifing!  Endlessly tired and cranky.  Dissatisfied and seeking someone to pay out on.

When I look back, it was a weird life.  Robotic and uninspiring in many ways.  Housework.  Shopping. Transporting children to school and sport.  Supervising homework.  Then at work I was nurturer, soother, and advisor.  Only to come home masquerading as a shrew!

I never realised there was more to life than this endless routine of work.  I didn’t know parents should play with their kids, so I didn’t.  I thought that play time was for school, weekends, and holidays and Dad got to do that.  What was normal to me was that Mums were just the disciplinarians, Dads played and helped when they could.

I can’t tell you how fervently I wish I could go back and make different choices about this phase of my life.  If I’d known, or knew to ask for advice, I’d have parented so differently and perhaps even found the confidence to change my career much earlier.  Maybe then I wouldn’t be moved to tears as I look back on my failings in the role of mother.    And in fact in my role as home-maker.

You see these days, the only word I ever associate with the word “home” is the word “haven”.  It is security.  It is peace.  It is where I can be the authentic me.  It is where I can love and be loved in return.

But back in those days of drudgery and little or no relaxation, I was a haven wrecker.  A home wrecker.

No I don’t mean physically, though I was guilty of the occasionally satisfying door slam!  And I don’t mean I stepped into anyone else’s family life and snatched away a husband.  I just mean I made all of my family suffer.

What could be worse than that?  There was very little sense of a peaceful haven where life felt secure, and love and authenticity were normal.

Instead I screamed and yelled.  I ordered others about.  I criticised what I didn’t like, and failed to notice when my family made efforts that should have been to my liking.

My poor old hubby SweetP copped much of this.  I realise now how much I resented him getting to enjoy family life and sharing laughs and pleasure with our sons.  It was really him who was the home shaper.  Weekends were fun and jobs still got done, discipline and boundaries were maintained and love was relaxed.

For me weekends meant.  Respite from Repetition? Yep!  Guilt? Yep! Resentment? Yep!  Tiredness? Yep!  Snotty behaviour?  Absolutely!

So why am I telling you this not-very-becoming tale?

Because I now know what a home and a haven really is and I’m ashamed that I didn’t back then.

If there’s one thing I would wish for you, it is the eyes and the heart to judge truthfully how you contribute to making your home a haven or a wreck!

Because life in a haven is so much more satisfying than life in a wreck.

And the simple fact is …

It’s a matter of choice.

I’m challenging you with this reminder.

Just like I wish someone back then had challenged me!

Chris Owen - Sharing the Secrets of Successful Relationships | http://www.thecalmspace.com/about#chris

Comments

3 Responses to “Confessions of a Home Wrecker”

  1. leahNo Gravatar on November 3rd, 2008 12:20 pm

    Thanks for the reminder Chris. I agree that it is a choice - although not one that we consciously make sometimes.

    My challenge is to be a haven maker for all members of the family - I’m conscious that it should be so for the kids but poor Mac sometimes doesn’t get the same welcoming space. Time to change that for good.

  2. This month we’re going Home… : The Calm Space on November 4th, 2008 10:06 am

    [...] their own special brand of ‘home’ with us. Chris shares a most powerful story at the Relationship Space about her role in making home a haven of peace. Joanna shares a beautiful look at why writing and [...]

  3. ChrisNo Gravatar on November 4th, 2008 11:13 am

    Leah
    Glad to hear it got you thinking. Sadly it’s an all too normal event for us humans to forget to create that welcoming space for our closest one.
    It’s one of those things I need to keep remembering regularly.

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