The Adventure You Have When You Stay at Home

Written by: Chris Owen
October 1, 2008

When you write a column about relationships, and the editor sets the theme as “adventuring”, it could seem like a perilous stretch from the theme to the wobbly little Pink Apple I normally stand on.

But this month, it fits perfectly.  Because you see, I’ve recently read two books about relationship adventures.  In reading these two books, I’ve “met” two women of courage and commitment who are unquestionably a source of inspiration to me.  Inside me, I know that reading these books has thrown out a challenge to me, and I’m still trying to discover how I am meant to take up that challenge and find my own adventure.

So, have I got you intrigued?

What inspirational adventures am I talking about?

No they didn’t climb Everest, or walk the Great Wall.  They didn’t base jump, or dabble in any other extreme sport.  These two women’s adventures were into the world of intimacy.

“Pooh!  Hardly an adventure!” I hear you say. “Is that all?”

Now, before you put on a sophisticated-woman-of-the-world sneer, let’s get clear about what I mean about intimacy and an adventure.

Normally when I say intimacy, I’m writing about the deep connection of shared stories and vulnerabilities that you might have with someone with whom you see yourself as “close”.  On the other hand, in the media “intimacy” is a socially-accepted euphemism for sex.  These adventurous women were definitely about BOTH interpretations.

If your expectation of adventure is battling your own demons, coping with the ebbs and flows of energy and enthusiasm, rising to a new challenge, having fun while also scaring yourself silly with the risks you’re taking, then I reckon this fits the title of adventure.

Each of these gutsy ladies decided to make a commitment to their husbands to ensure they made love every day.  One offer was for 100 days the other was for a whole YEAR!

Now I don’t know about you but I reckon that’s a highly risky offer.   (What if you don’t feel like delivering?)   It’s risky like that ‘diving into the deep end of the pool when your best swim stroke is a limited dog-paddle’ kind of way!

So what happened?

Interestingly, both women had the wind taken out of their sails when they shared their offer with their lucky spouse.  Why?  Because both hubbies told them to go away and think about it again!

Before you go making assumptions, these women were very ordinary you-and-me type women.  Late 30s, married with primary school-aged kids, juggling part-time jobs to help with the mortgage, and with a full and challenging domestic life, and little time for even catching up with friends.  Sound like anyone you know?

Promiscuity hadn’t shaped their lives, they weren’t seeking the kinky, and they hadn’t been advised to do this by a sexual therapist.  Both women had been satisfied with their sexual relationship with their husbands, but weren’t too disappointed if it didn’t happen too often.  Tiredness was an endless part of their existence.  Sound like anyone you know?

But they both knew that intimacy (the connecting kind) was silently and slowly seeping away from their marriages.

What did he say?

Their husbands both knew that an offer like they were getting would be the ENVY of every married man they knew!  But they had become wary of the hurtful rejection that women (even loving wives) so often unthinkingly offer to men when sex isn’t high on the woman’s agenda. They were happy to take up the offer, but only if it was a truthful, informed, and considered decision driven by a desire for positive change rather than to appease guilt.

Our experiences tell us that the two genders approach sex in different ways and with different arousal mechanisms. The general theme of males is that they tend to be more readily aroused by visual and direct stimuli. Women tend to more aroused by connection, cuddling, and relaxing into lovemaking. I like the description that men need to make love to feel loved, and women need to feel loved to make love.

Of course, libido itself varies enormously in individuals. In fact using the term “normal” about sex sets any writer up to be shot down in flames by contradictory evidence.

Most couples start out their relationships madly in lust, move into love and then they have kids and their worlds change.  But why is it that we forget how much joy and light comes from communicating sexually?  We couldn’t get enough of it when we started out.

What happened?

Yes I know! I’ve heard so many of them (and said my fair share of them as well!)

  • I was always tired
  • Tasks got in the way
  • I had to get up early
  • The kids always come into our bed at night
  • We stopped going to bed at the same time
  • We aged
  • I get cold in bed and only my flannelette PJs will keep me warm
  • She/He needed to de-stress by watching TV
  • He/She started drinking more
  • The side effects of prescribed drugs attacked your libido
  • You got into a routine of weekends and holidays

And that’s in the relationships where he hasn’t become addicted to porn or she hasn’t taken a lover!

So undertaking these adventures presented the authors with their own little case studies - and that’s clearly why they’ve written about it.

But how …?

Both couples took slightly different paths on their adventure.

The 100 day couple were a bit more organised and researched and explored far more before beginning. They sought medical advice (primarily use lots of lubricant!), explored different positions, different settings, different stimuli, and promised themselves little trips away so that boredom didn’t kick in. Without resorting to unsavoury writing, the reader gets to hear about their findings.

The Year Couple were perhaps less organised, but were in it for a much longer haul! Culturally they were probably more conservative, with a Christian influence, but the author-wife was remarkably honest about her feelings and experiences in her writing if more coy and less descriptive of their activities.

The commonalities told their own tale. For me completing both books and seeing the patterns repeated is what I found inspiring.

They both noticed:

  • how much more they began to talk to each other and accept each other
  • how much more sacred and special their sexual relationship and thus their whole relationship became
  • that they needed to help each other with other commitments (family time, domestic chores, social activities) to fit their sexual relationship into their busy lives
  • that frequency doesn’t breed complacency when it’s by choice
  • how much easier it was to talk about sex, their satisfactions, their needs, their difficulties
  • that TV and books and the Internet had to be pushed down the priority list to fit everything into their daily lives
  • that the world didn’t end with less TV, books, and web-browsing
  • that quickies were useful and totally acceptable for both partners at times
  • that mutual satisfaction doesn’t only come from mutual “crescendos” (I’m trying to avoid the spam)
  • that in fact the pressure to “work” at satisfying their partner faded with reliable frequency
  • that knowing that they would be making love lifted both their spirits and their daily general well-being
  • that sometimes making love can start off feeling like a chore (for BOTH)
  • that after completing their assigned projects, their frequency remained much higher than before they started

I don’t know about you but that list sounds pretty appealing to me. In fact, it sounds bloody fantastic!  So you can see why I’m reflecting on what I might do to shift the thinking in my own relationship.

Time For Some Think Music

So can I ask you some questions?  (These ones are for you alone - unless you WANT to share your answers!)

  • Compare the sexual relationship you started with and the one you have now.  How do you feel about the differences?
  • Have you noticed a difference in your attitudes to your sexual relationship?
  • How often do you talk about your sexual relationship?
  • Would you like to feel more connected to each other?
  • Would your partner agree that sex might be a way to make some positive shifts in your relationship?
  • So what one small step might you take to shift your attitudes, habits, conversations for the sake of your relationship and more fun in bed?

Let’s Get the Debate Rolling

I reckon this is a topic that might spark some debate here on The Calm Space.  So why not hit the comments button and tell us what you think of these couples adventures?

Or perhaps you have some observations about what gets in the way of a satisfying sexual relationship.

Or maybe you have strong opinions about the place of sex in a relationship - let’s hear them?

Maybe you’d like to give us a hint on what kinds of baby steps you might like to take to change how things are in your household?

The Books?

In case you’re interested, the two books were:

Just Do It: How One Couple Turned Off the TV and Turned On Their Sex Lives for 101 Days (No Excuses!) by Douglas Brown

365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy by Charla Muller

Chris Owen - Sharing the Secrets of Successful Relationships | http://www.thecalmspace.com/about#chris

Comments

2 Responses to “The Adventure You Have When You Stay at Home”

  1. Adventures and Birthday Celebrations! : The Calm Space on October 2nd, 2008 8:00 am

    [...] If you’re in a commited relationship, you cannot miss Relationship Space this [...]

  2. karenNo Gravatar on October 3rd, 2008 9:17 pm

    Wow Chris, you really know how to challenge us, don’t you? Apart from the challenge and inspiration you personally found in these two books, would you recommend them to other couples to read?

    I’d love to hear other’s reaction to your words, Chris. Can I strongly encourage our readers to tune in and leave a comment, and to feel free to make that comment anonymous if they wish?

    Go on! Share your thoughts!

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