Relationship Rescue the Low Tech Way

Written by: Chris Owen

August 1, 2008

A while ago we moved Mum into a nursing home. That meant cleaning out her house. Predictably for an old lady, there was lots of crap, and some stuff that we knew was precious. But, one woman’s precious CAN be another woman’s crap, so it’s a stressful process.

I found one particularly precious find, almost by accident. Tucked into an old, small, wooden cigar box, that must have belonged to my Dad many years ago, I found three letters in my father’s bold, beautifully-crafted, and unmistakeable handwriting.

Photo: Letter by Plusverde

Yeah! You guessed it. I opened them.

Are you shocked at me invading my parent’s privacy like that?

It was such a grief-wrenching moment to see Dad’s handwriting again after so many years, I was probably incapable of making an effective decision and just reacted instead. I HAD to touch those letters, those connections with the Dad I’d lost, and the Mum I was losing. (Dad has been dead for over 30 years now, and dementia is decimating Mum’s memory. )

I ran my fingertip over the writing on the envelope. I’d never had the chance to have an adult relationship with my Dad, he died before we had a chance to get past my adolescence and his age.

Maybe I’m kidding myself and manufacturing excuses. Maybe it WAS just plain curiosity. It’s too complex to know. Perhaps my decision was a disgrace, and maybe it was wrong, but I certainly don’t regret it!

In that old cigar box, were three beautifully-scribed love letters, written by my Dad to my Mum in the mid-1940s around the time of their engagement.

I suddenly saw two people I knew so well in a totally different light – madly in love. I’d never seen signs of romance, open affection, or anything else much between them.

In these letters, he talked of how much he missed being with her, how it felt to leave her, and how wonderful it felt to see her again.

They were simple messages, in simple words, but with powerful emotion.

The joy and excitement of his love was there in the respectful words, the gentle, tender wooing, and the encouragement he gave her. Without even a hint of eroticism, his ardour and desire for her jumped off the page.

It left me thinking about my own relationship, and grateful that some day our children will find our love letters too.

What do you think your children will discover after they’ve buried you?

The quick emails, and text messages that we tend to exchange now, won’t even exist. They’ll be gone into the technical ether.

Let’s get down to tin tacks here. Have you ever written a love letter?

Have you ever received one? Do you remember what it felt like to receive it? For me, the rawness and vulnerability of the message of love will bring tears of gratitude and intense emotion.

Have you kept these precious love letters?

There’s a strong argument for not losing this old and cherished skill. That is apart from the sheer joy of receiving love letters, of course.

How much poorer would the world be if Byron hadn’t written of his love? If Charlotte Bronte or Napoleon had used texts? If Elizabeth Barrett Browning or CS Lewis had whipped off a quick email?

So, what do you want your partner to know about your feelings?

How often do you convey that?

So what’s stopping you from saying those things in a love letter?

Are you scared of writing a love letter? Do you think letters are only for when someone is far away? Do you believe you’re not capable of flowery/romantic language, or even of writing a letter any more? Do you think your Significant Other will think you’re an idiot?

Go on, the challenge is out! I dare you to try it. Who needs wireless broadband when you’ve got a pen?

If I’m talking to the converted, why not add some extra impetus to my argument by sharing your story in the comments below.

If you need some help to get started, here’s some Tips for Writing Love Letters

How It Looks is Important
Go to Officeworks, a card shop, or big newsagent and buy some nice paper and a matching envelope. If you don’t have a fountain pen, buy a suitable toning Gel Pen.

Get Yourself in the Mood
Write when you can’t be interrupted, put on some music that has positive connections to your relationship, maybe even grab a photo of the two of you that has special memories, and perhaps a glass of wine.

Write a draft
Write first on scrap paper so you can scribble out, move stuff, and generally play with the words.

Use language that fits for the two of you
If flowery (or sloppy) words work for you, then fine, use them. Simple words (Grade 4 words I call them) do the trick just fine, as long as they are real and authentic. Steer clear of expletives of course!

One extra flourish
Try attaching a flower from the garden to the front, putting a sticky heart label on the seal, putting a lipstick kiss on the envelope, lightly spraying it with your perfume/after shave, or even putting a luxury teabag in the envelope.

Finish with a heartfelt closing
This is no time to say “Yours Sincerely”. You might BE sincere, but this is a love letter!
Say something that says how much you love him/her. Try using a line of “your song”, any ballad, or even a favourite poem if you can’t think of anything. I use I love you more today than yesterday… (the rest of the song’s line is … and less than tomorrow, dear.)
I love you with all my heart sums it up pretty well too!

Use memories to get you going
Take yourself back to the first time you realised that you loved this person. On your draft paper write a list of 10 reasons why I fell in love with you/10 things I love about you now.
Recall when you first met or kissed and the feelings and thoughts that spring to mind. Look at some photos of special occasions you’ve shared together. Describe the feelings and thoughts you have (or had then) in as much detail as possible. Perhaps even draw parallels with something that’s happened to your partner or some feelings they’ve talked about. Get thinking and remembering.

Good luck and Get Writing!

If you need some extra help, then here are some easily accessed online resources. Feel free to share any other helpful resources in the comments below.

How to Write A Love Letter

How to Write the Perfect Love Letter

Loving You dot com

How to Write a Love Letter

Here’s a special gift just for you from our wonderful Relationship Queen

Writing Love Letters Tip Sheet

Chris Owen - Sharing the Secrets of Successful Relationships | http://www.thecalmspace.com/about#chris

Comments

6 Responses to “Relationship Rescue the Low Tech Way”

Joanna Young on August 1st, 2008 9:13 pm

I’m so glad you found and read the love letters Chris. Between the photos and the words it sounds like your dad is coming to life in your mind and imagination. What a wonderful journey of discovery!

Thanks for the letter writing tips. I’ll let you know if I stumble across someone I can write to!

Joanna
Leah Maclean on August 3rd, 2008 6:27 pm

Thank you Chris for sharing to wonderful story of these letters and for setting a challenge to us all. You have both moved me and inspired me and you can be assured that more of the feelings for my outstanding husband will be conveyed in writing.
Angela Esnouf on August 4th, 2008 8:20 am

This is a really touching story and a call to action. With my anniversary coming up soon, I know just what to do.

Thanks for sharing.
Marjorie on August 4th, 2008 10:45 am

How did you read my mind Chris? I have been meaning to put pen to paper and write some heartfelt words to my 2 dear daughters but I usually give up as it seems there are so many things I want to say and I can’t find the words even to start!

Some motivation is just what I needed and you have provided, thank you for sharing most especially your love letter story.
Annie on August 5th, 2008 9:31 am

Thank you Chris - I too will take up the challenge! Too many good things unsaid!
Chris on August 19th, 2008 4:59 pm

Ladies
My arms are covered in goosebumps as I re-read your comments and let them soak into me.
I am delighted I was able to touch you and challenge you with one of the best gifts in life, our ability to write I love You to someone somehow!