Balance: Is it Possible in a Relationship?

Written by: Chris Owen

May 1, 2008

Let’s go on a quick imaginary journey.

You and your partner are sitting in the middle of a small dinghy together. Gently rocking with the movement of the water beneath you. (Yes I know some of you would “never be seen dead” climbing aboard a dinghy, but you’ve seen enough movies to be able to picture it in your mind’s eye, so bear with me here.)

Now imagine your partner moves to the stern of the boat (I think that’s the back!) and starts to play “silly buggers”, and dance around. The boat rocks and tilts as the balance shifts. To avoid the boat capsizing, you move to a spot further forward (is that aft?) so that your weights are more evenly spread across that small sheet of aluminium, or inflated rubber, or those few planks of wood.

Let’s stop there before we have to deal with how much more adapting would be needed if the weather changed and the water got choppy.

And the point is?

We do this adapting as a natural instinct, probably for self-preservation. Fortunately, our brain works it out for us, and we adjust. Often the adjustment requires little conscious consideration of the problem. We’re just reacting and adapting to the circumstances.

And so we do in our relationships, adjusting and adapting to the circumstances. Shifting our position to counterbalance the other, and making bigger adaptations when the crises come and the water gets choppy.

In the Noughties, the word ‘balance’ often conjures up that overused and guilt-inducing term “work-life balance”. It’s certainly an area for any person to consider carefully and at least reflect on their satisfaction with their own balance.

How does balance fit into our relationships?

What happens when one partner makes decisions about their personal work and life balance? How does that impact on the couple? What happens to the other partner? What happens to their choices, their own desires for a personal work and life balance?

Because we’re in a partnership, there are two “forces” at play, to put it into Isaac Newton’s terms. One partner’s choices/actions in this partnership cause an equal and opposite reaction from the other partner.

That’s what floating in the boat is. That’s what being in a relationship is.

While we remain individuals, and retain our rights as individuals, when we are part of a life partnership our choices will inevitably impact on the other. Our lives are a merger, an overlap. The natural forces are still at work.

If one chooses to smoke, then it may mean that the other will end up caring for the smoker through their terminal illness.

If one chooses to drink excessively, the other may bear the embarrassments and perhaps the abuse that can flow from such choices.

If one chooses to work long hours, then the other is forced to adapt their life to rebalance the scales and the relationship. If working hours are lopsided on one side, parental responsibilities may be equally lopsided on the other to try and accommodate the choice.

It’s not really news.

Way back in the 16th century, John Donne told us that “no man is an island, entire of itself”. So clearly this isn’t new information. Our choices impact on many people in our world, but most especially our partner.

For some people, those ‘facts’ of life and the natural world are unacceptable. They act like someone’s duped them. They’ll claim they “didn’t know” that’s what they were buying into when they became a life partner. They’ll argue strongly for their need for independence, and fight aggressively to defend their territory.

And their partner will be faced with the inevitable equal and opposite reaction, because these are immutable laws.

No-one has been cheated of their rights. But someone may not have wanted to recognise the responsibilities that are part of sharing your kitchen, your CD Collection, and your life.

A Little Closer to Home

In Pink Apple’s world, when I chose to leave permanent employment to create a small business, the impact on SweetP was a raised “pressure”. It became more important that he remain in his role and bear extra responsibility for the financial security of our lives in the face of the possible insecurity of a small business.

Did we talk that through appropriately? Well… The decision certainly had his blessing and encouragement. But, with hindsight I don’t believe we considered all of it too well at all. These days, when SweetP comes home from a difficult day at a sometimes toxic workplace, I wish we’d gone about things differently.

So What About You?

What things have you done to initiate imbalance or redress balance in your partnerships? Have they required sacrifices? Were they conscious decisions, or automatic reactions to the situation at hand? Could you see the potential for imbalance, and negotiate how you’d both manage it? How have these choices and actions impacted on your relationship?

Mmm! It does bear thinking about, doesn’t it?

So let’s hear YOUR thoughts?

Chris Owen - Sharing the Secrets of Successful Relationships | http://www.thecalmspace.com/about#chris

Comments

3 Responses to “Balance: Is it Possible in a Relationship?”

Angela Esnouf on May 1st, 2008 5:55 pm

Oh Chris, you’re good, you’re really good. That’s a meaty issue.

I think back to the time I declared over a romantic dinner that I was quitting my poorly-paid but regular job. Thank goodness things have worked out because that day I defintely got up and rocked the boat. I guess my biggest mistake was in not previously communicating how unhappy I had been in that job. He would have at least had a heads up!
Chris Owen on May 5th, 2008 11:47 am

Terrific point Angela!
How many of us have been unhappy about something and kept our unhappiness to ourselves? Then done the knee-jerk when the pain got too great to bear.
It’s not so much the decision but the communicating before and during that makes a BIG difference to how the boat gets rocked!
Angela Esnouf on May 10th, 2008 11:32 pm

Hi again Chris. I came across a quote that I’d thought you’d enjoy. Jean-Paul Sartre said “Only the guy who isn’t rowing has time to rock the boat”.