What are Friends For?

Written by: Chris Owen
November 1, 2007

FriendshipsWas there ever a more-appropriate theme for a women’s magazine than that of “friendship”? Our delightful editor has gone right to the structure of a woman’s life!

Women, on the whole, are good at friendship!

Yeah sure! We can have many levels of friendship with the people in our lives, but overall we women “do” friendship with commitment and often a sense of style.

But, do we do it with satisfaction?

How satisfied are you with what, and how, you deliver to your friends, as well as what and how they deliver to you?

We women seem to be far more likely to whip ourselves into a lather over how we fail our friends, rather than recognising how much we give to our friends - given our circumstances.

Sometimes we can forget that we are NOT superwomen.

Do YOU expect your friends to be superwomen? Do you expect them to cram everything, including you, into their lives at the cost of their health and sanity?

No you don’t! (And if you were tempted to say Yes to that question, then perhaps you need to do a little reflecting and reorganising of your expectations.)

And what’s more if your friend was trying to do all that, and risking her health to do so, you’d probably beg her to take more care of herself. Am I right?

So why would you think she wouldn’t be caring for you in the same way?

One of the most common concerns I hear from women, be they busy mums or corporate mavens, is that they wish they could find more time for their friends.

Curiosity always gets the better of me.

Why do they wish that? Is it because they think they’re not measuring up? Or is it that they’re yearning to rebalance their lives?

There is no right or wrong answer there, of course! Just choices and opportunities.

They are sharing with me a message from deep within themselves. The message just needs a little interpretation, which only the woman herself can answer. So, I just ask more questions to dig into that message.

If you think you’re not measuring up, what evidence do you have for that? Is it an assumption? Have you gone seeking honest answers from your friends about what they believe you bring to the relationship with them? Maybe they don’t need or want to be super-close. Maybe they like the opportunity to chat, when/if it happens, and leave it at that!

Or is the message more a description of your own need for nurture and time and space? And if so, how committed are you to finding a way to deliver that gift (or is it a necessity?) to yourself?

The other common difficulty that I notice women have with friendships is that they don’t understand that friendships are fluid, organic creatures.

Friendships ebb and flow. They begin and they end. The time between those two states may be a few hours, days, weeks, or months. It may also be a couple of years, or a life-time. And all of those friendships are valuable, valid and a gift to both participants, even the short ones.

Friendships aren’t necessarily like a marriage (though they’re essential TO a marriage)!

In a friendship, you don’t stand up and declare your intention to keep the relationship for life. No-one expects you to! Friendships have a life and death of their own. It’s part of the nature of human interaction.

Nor do we usually negotiate between the two people, at least verbally, the boundaries and expectations of our friendships. We take them as we get them. And sometimes later we teach them how to treat us! (But that’s another story all together!)

Friendships are a sharing of time, talents, nurture, and human kindness. Isn’t that enough?

Chris Owen - Sharing the Secrets of Successful Relationships | http://www.thecalmspace.com/about#chris

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